I don’t much trust my heart these days. And I really, really want to! I have a heart condition called atrial fibrillation. It stinks. What happens is, for no discernible reason, my heart rate will jump from 60 to 160. While I’m sitting still. Or standing. Or even sleeping.
It’s exhausting. And incredibly uncomfortable. I take medication that’s helped me stay in rhythm for a while now. But lately, it hasn’t been working so well. Which is why I don’t trust my heart not to suddenly take off running without my permission.
I’m thinking my new life verse just might be Jeremiah 17:9 – The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
Oh yes, it feels deceitful, indeed, and I definitely don’t understand it. And while there may be a cure (a procedure called ablation), that’s going to be a bit of a process for me.
Which is why I’m sitting around these days not trusting my heart. But here’s what I DO trust. God. He made my heart. He watches over it. He can touch it. He can heal it. And when I’m having an episode and I’m cranky and tired and so very frustrated by my weakness–He walks through it with me. Without judging. Which is a good thing because sometimes I yell at Him. I shake my fist and suggest that if He wants to teach me something surely He can just TELL me what He wants me to know. And if there’s nothing for me to learn from this then FIX it NOW please.
James said this great thing in chapter one verse five: If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. I love that “without finding fault” part. No, “haven’t you got this yet?” or “seriously–you don’t understand?” or “I made you smarter than that.”
I’ve been asking for a lot of wisdom lately. And it’s coming. In drips and drops. When my heart is in rhythm and when it’s not. I still don’t feel particularly wise, but I do feel a smidge smarter simply for realizing I need to ask.
So God, if drawing me into conversation is what you had in mind all along, I’d sure like the chance to continue this chat with a trustworthy heart.
2 Corinthians 12:9 – “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.