It’s been three weeks since Dad died. I’m getting used to the idea.
But not really.
Maybe that’s the catch. I don’t actually want to be less sad about losing my father. It feels right to me that I’ll be sad not to have him around until I die and we’re together again. I hope I’ll get more used to the sadness–that it will become more familiar–but I don’t want it to go away. I don’t want to CLOSE this part of my heart and my life.
I brought home a huge stack of Dad’s CDs. He loved music–had an incredible record collection at one point–and many of my memories include his favorite soundtracks playing in the background. The last time I spoke to him, I could hear Andy Williams singing “Can’t Get Used to Losing You” on the CD player.
Over the weekend I remembered that I’d been meaning to order a Tex Ritter CD for him. Except I can’t now. I was going to record him telling some of his stories. Too late. I heard a news clip about politics in WV and I thought I’d mention it. Nope.
I remember moments I haven’t thought about in years. I think of things I’d like to say. I plan what we’ll do next time I’m in town . . .
And I’m glad. I’m glad he’s still so much with me that I forget he’s not. I hope if I live to be 90 I’ll still have moments when I think about giving my dad a hug . . . about telling him what’s going on in my life . . . about that question I’ve been meaning to ask.
I’m realizing that I don’t really want closure–whatever that is. What I want is to love and be loved now matter which side of the heavenly veil each of us is on.
I looked up the opposite of closure and Merriam-Webster said that would be continuation. Sounds right to me.
This is beautiful and so real. Thank you for sharing it. Wish I could hug you!
So do I! I’ve totally been accepting hugs these last few weeks!
Beautiful, Sarah! I’ve had similar thoughts about my mother who graduated four years ago. Praying for your heart as you ‘continue’.
Thank you–and for yours!
Sarah, I love your posts. Love n hugs to you. 🙏❤🐦🌹🙅
Thank you!
I am so sorry about your dad! It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship. My dad died when I was 7, so I never really knew him. I relate to this more thinking about when my husband is no longer living and the impact it will have on our beautiful adult daughters!
I’m sorry you lost your dad so young! Yes, I treasure the time we had.
This is so true. Fifty-three years and I still long to discuss things with my dad. As time goes on, we get closer and closer to reunion.
Yes–a family reunion! And man, we are GOOD at reunions in West Virginia.
Sarah – my grandfather Phillips has been gone since 1965 and my father since 1995 and I still think of the things I
wished I had asked them, especially about the family history. Memories are great. Thinking of you.
Peggy
Thank you, Peggy.
Saddened to hear of your loss and relate to it. But I see strength rising up and a zeal to do so much more inherent in your writing. Give yourself fully to the nudge to explore and take a bigger leap, whatever it is that you have been mulling over. It will work out in your favour, in His time. Be blessed.
Thank you–good advice!